This week my younger cousin moved into her first dorm. As I sat in the car with her, she asked me to share with her the most important thing I learned in college. A few things were running in my mind as a took a pause to think. She then amended her question to “what’s the most useful thing you learned in college?”
Without hesitation I answered. “What to put in your ho bag.”
What is a ho bag , you ask? Ever gone to a club and seen chicks with those big ass purses and you can’t for the life of you think as to why they would bother with such cumbersome loads in a crowed ass club. Those women are planing on being ho’s for the night. Those satchels will see them through to the next morning. It not just for clubs, or the random hook up its a college essential!
If there is one time in one’s life when they can act bat-shit stupid and get away with it, its college. Let’s face it the only difference between college and Vegas is that in college the sex is free.
10 things essential to the hit-it-and-quit-it lifestyle of today’s coed.
In 2010 there is no reason for a woman NOT to have them on her person. Its not up to the man to keep you from getting knocked up or chock full of herpes. If you have condoms on you that gives Romeo no excuse not to use one. In most cities you can even get them for free. So there’s no excuse for not having them. Also you should never let a dude use a toy on you without covering it with a condom. You know where its been? Do you really want that in you without protection?
2. Extra Panties
Because sometimes your draws won’t survive the night. If you don’t have time to figure out where you put them an extra comfy pair tucked into your bag can be a lifesaver. Why make the walk of shame feel even more weird because you have to walk back “comando” in tight jeans?
3. Tooth brush/gum/ mouthwash
You’ve just had a night of all sorts of wrong in your mouth, you may or not have been drunk. How drunk were you? Did you give this virtual stranger a condom-less blow job? Or worst yet were you ass-to-mouth drunk? Since you can’t remember it will make the mood of the train ride home less grave if you give your mouth a good swish/wash as soon as humanly possible.
I always carry with me Some Dove travel size deodorant and Dove Go Fresh body mist. If you are lucky enough to find a guy with a shower that doesn’t look like a petri dish , post coital shower is always a must. Just because you want to bask in the afterglow doesn’t mean that people around you want to smell it . Do everyone on the bus a favor .
It may come as a shock to most ladies, but the vast majority of men do not see the importance of moisturizers. Sometimes you might luck out with a dark chocolate brother that might have some Queen Helene under the counter, but your best bet is to just carry your own.
6. Money / Metro Card/ Bus Pass
For the times were you literally have to make a run for it, don’t depend on the guy to provide you a way home. Hell he most likely won’t remember how your ass got there in the first place. Make sure you can always get home safely by yourself. I always have a just in case 50 dollar bill. Some cabs don’t take cards. Always have just in case money stashed in a place where a thief won’t look.
Because that after booty shower might not be possible. I have a travel sized pack of baby wipes. I also have some cleaning wipes handy because some dudes don’t know how to clean a toilet seat.
8. Pocket Rocket
Really any portable vibrator , preferable one that’s quiet like the Lily from Lelo toys. Why should this be in your Ho bag? It’s simple, the best sex you will have will be with a man that you have a connection with. In the cases that your ho bag will be used for the post frat party hook up, chances are this guy will be doing the moves that got his last girl off and not you. Having a small and easy to conceal toy can insure that you’ll cum. Maybe you can show the guy how to use it, or do it the bathroom while he’s sleeping.
Another no brain-er, this is your just in case I drink a bit to much thirst quencher. I like Arrowhead Aquapods because they are tiny and easy to pack without adding bulk to your bag. If your bag has black or dark lining the water will even stay cool , even in the summer. The best way to avoid a hangover is to keep yourself from being dehydrated. So if you were less than responsible while you were drinking a nice cool drink will make that headache a little less severe. Also, what else are you going to take that morning after pill with?
10. Brush / Make- Up
It may sound vain, but the walk of shame is only shameful if you LOOK like you’ve just been fucking in a strange place. If you have time to put yourself together make sure you have the tools to make yourself presentable in the morning.
There you have it, the ten items that should be in ever bag if you are expecting some booty and are away from home. Now go forth and boink!