2013 was a bag dicks. If 2013 was a frail old man I would gently push him so he would fall down, while he was on the ground I would glare at him as a poked him with a blunt stick. 2013 for me was the human experience equivalent of Drake’s eyebrows. You might have gathered from the whopping 10 posts I made all year that shit was somewhat real for me this year. 2013 taught me that yes, failure is an option.
Don’t get my wrong there were a lot of amazing experiences for me this year. I got to do things that I never in my wildest dreams thought would ever happen. I started the amazing TWIB After Dark with Feminista Jones – whom my older readers might remember was the first blogger I ever added to my blog roll. I had the opportunity to not only meet Buck Angel who was a huge inspiration to me but speak on a panel with him Kelly Shibari, Lady Cheeky and Cathy Vartuli. I got to do seminars and panels at Catalyst Con and Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom summit and I would not trade those great experiences for anything in the world. I just wish I could have fully enjoyed them.
I tried my hand at being “vanilla” and I kinda failed , and not at all for the reasons I would have guessed. I was laid off from my vanilla job in April, which gave me the opportunity to grow with TWIB.FM and then I got a dream position at another firm. The day before my birthday I lost that too. It wasn’t because they found out I was a former dancer, a cam model or an adult blogger. It just didn’t work out.
I kept so much bottled up and didn’t write out of the fear that what my passions are would keep me from getting and maintaining a vanilla job. Turns out my whore ass ways can have no bearing on losing a vanilla job because I could just suck. I can fail and it can be spectacular. My entire adult life I harbored so much fear of failing at anything at all that I pulled myself back. No year in recent memory have I ever been so altruistically unhappy with absolutely no pay off. I tried to save a mentally ill family member – failed. I got a position in my dream company – gone. Mom wanted me to get married well ended two-year-soul-sucking relationshit. Also the almost complete emotional withdrawal alienated me from most of my friends and loved ones. I was just fuckin up in everything, I can really only boast that 2013 was a year that I kept my cat alive and didn’t lose any major limbs or organs.
In all this at least I can say is. “I’m Back!”. What’s the use of playing the losing game of respectability politics when you can’t enjoy winning? So, here I am – come what may, I’ll be writing , reviewing, laughing, climaxing, crying, sharing ,questioning and discovering with all of you.
I know this post was heavier than what I’m used to posting so I promise the next one will be so fluffy you’ll have so stop your phone from floating into the clouds. ^_~
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