2013 was a bag dicks. If 2013 was a frail old man I would gently push him so he would fall down, while he was on the ground I would glare at him as a poked him with a blunt stick. 2013 for me was the human experience equivalent of Drake’s eyebrows. You might have gathered from the whopping 10 posts I made all year that shit was somewhat real for me this year. 2013 taught me that yes, failure is an option.
Don’t get my wrong there were a lot of amazing experiences for me this year. I got to do things that I never in my wildest dreams thought would ever happen. I started the amazing TWIB After Dark with Feminista Jones – whom my older readers might remember was the first blogger I ever added to my blog roll. I had the opportunity to not only meet Buck Angel who was a huge inspiration to me but speak on a panel with him Kelly Shibari, Lady Cheeky and Cathy Vartuli. I got to do seminars and panels at Catalyst Con and Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom summit and I would not trade those great experiences for anything in the world. I just wish I could have fully enjoyed them.
I tried my hand at being “vanilla” and I kinda failed , and not at all for the reasons I would have guessed. I was laid off from my vanilla job in April, which gave me the opportunity to grow with TWIB.FM and then I got a dream position at another firm. The day before my birthday I lost that too. It wasn’t because they found out I was a former dancer, a cam model or an adult blogger. It just didn’t work out.
I kept so much bottled up and didn’t write out of the fear that what my passions are would keep me from getting and maintaining a vanilla job. Turns out my whore ass ways can have no bearing on losing a vanilla job because I could just suck. I can fail and it can be spectacular. My entire adult life I harbored so much fear of failing at anything at all that I pulled myself back. No year in recent memory have I ever been so altruistically unhappy with absolutely no pay off. I tried to save a mentally ill family member – failed. I got a position in my dream company – gone. Mom wanted me to get married well ended two-year-soul-sucking relationshit. Also the almost complete emotional withdrawal alienated me from most of my friends and loved ones. I was just fuckin up in everything, I can really only boast that 2013 was a year that I kept my cat alive and didn’t lose any major limbs or organs.
In all this at least I can say is. “I’m Back!”. What’s the use of playing the losing game of respectability politics when you can’t enjoy winning? So, here I am – come what may, I’ll be writing , reviewing, laughing, climaxing, crying, sharing ,questioning and discovering with all of you.
I know this post was heavier than what I’m used to posting so I promise the next one will be so fluffy you’ll have so stop your phone from floating into the clouds. ^_~
no, everything will not turn out okay if you don’t remain courageous. I’ve kept track of your blog for years. You are an amazing woman. be brave and keep up the fight.
Love you N’Jaila. Spoiler Alert: Everything turns out okay at the end.
^_^ I will try to keep that in mind but if things don’t turn out okay I can remember that I live in a world where you can purchase cuthulu erotica and I know the world is an OK place.