Edward Cullens Has an Ugly Sparkle Dink

Twilight Fans Can Finally Experience Edward’s Twinkle Cock

I’m going to say this pretty plainly. I hate Twilight. In any form books, movies, and especially anyone over the age of 14 that thinks the books are well written and romantic. The main character Mary Sue- er Bella Swan has the personality of cardboard box. I don’t understand the appeal but one thing that is now cemented in my mind is that fans of the series that are over 18 are the saddest fans ever. Even worst than Dragon Force fans.

While I was doing some Black Friday sex toy shopping I happened upon this…

Fuck you Internet, FUCK YOU.

Tantus Inc is a great dildo merchant as far as dildo merchants go but … a sparkling pink cock? Seriously, why pander to the lowest common bracket of humanity, twitards? I’m not even going to bother wondering why they made a dildo fashioned after a preteen fantasy.

I was flabbergasted that the damn thing cost 40 bucks , 14 year olds don’t have that kinda cash to blow on dick, middle aged moms do. My soul cried asI realized that this is exactly who they are marketing to. The over the hill twi-mom in her 5X “Team Edward” T-shirt rubbing one out to the sex lives of teens.

I’m also miffed that they gave him an mediocre cock. “The Vamp” as the call it is only 6.75 inches and 1 1/2 inches thick. Now account for the fact that you have to hold the thing in your hand you’re geting like 3 and a half inched of undead cock. Boo.

I come off feeling some type of why knowing that this thing is designed to go in the freezer and stay cold. Necrophilia can be mainstream as long as glitter is involved I guess.

Another thing that pisses me off is the site sugest movies for you to enjoy with this:

Tantus suggests the following movies if you enjoy The Vamp. Talk about Expert Advice!

The Lost Boys

Fright Night 1 and 2

Interview with the Vampire

Bram Stoker’s Dracula

True Blood TV Series

Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV Series

Angel TV Series

If one wants to fuck Edward , I’m pretty sure they don’t have the sense of humor to enjoy Whedon , the attention span to sit through Bram Stoker’s Dracula and sex scares you so that takes out True Blood and Interview with a Vampire. Twilight fans don’t like real vampires, they like hollow fantasies of popularity and not fucking vampires until they marry you.

Oh and the damn thing doesn’t even sparkle that much

Author: N'jaila

N'jaila Rhee grew up in north New Jersey and graduated with a degree in Journalism and Communication media from Rutgers University in 2009. Rhee began exotic dancing while attended classes at Rutgers, and still dances at special events. Currently working professionally in media in the NYC metro area, she enjoys writing erotica, eating Nilla wafers and giggling at the word "balls". View all posts by N'jaila

6 thoughts on “Edward Cullens Has an Ugly Sparkle Dink”