I come into contact with a lot of wacky sex toys, people have all sorts of kinks and fetishes that the sex toy market is eager to cater to. I don’t knock that it takes different strokes for different folks. I get that but every once in a while I come across an item marketed as a sex toy that clearly would do better if shown to other markets. Here are my Top 3.
Artificial Hymen
This little contraption has actually caused quite a stir in the muslim world. Egypt has even banned the importation of the item. Here in the US we take the whole concept of virginity for granted. We understand it , we kinda give it some kind of significance but all in all its a milestone that most of us are too drunk or old to remember passing.
In some cultures virginity is actually serious business, like matter of life and death serious business. So to ensure that their husbands believe they were chaste before marriage many women learn to fake it. Before a painful surgery was needed a “Love Knot” was tied inside the vagina so a woman would bleed during sex. You can see how popular a pain free pouch would get if offered as an alternative.
Now You’ve read the above paragraphs and if you are sane none of your naughty bits tingled. Of course, there’s nothing sexy about oppression and sexism. The makers of this product market it as a role play device. I’m not knocking anyone that has this fetish…but Come On. This thing could save lives! This is a lot better suited doing that than to help some crappy porn sites.
Market as: Role Play device
Should be: Life saving instrument
BON4
I know what you’re thinking WTF is that. This contraption is the a silicone male chastity device. In layman’s terms this is a dick cage to punish boners. In there lies my issue with this as a sexual toy. Most of the sex that happens involving a man has a lot to do with that man’s erect penis. The Bon4 makes having an erection a horrible nightmare. So even sex acts that don’t require the man to have an erection but might possibly arose him are going to be painful.
I admit there are a bunch of people that are into pain, but oddly enough the Bon4 is advertised as the most comfortable dick cage on the market. Seriously, here is a selection from the website:
So the its the most comfortable dick torture cage? That just plain doesn’t make any sense to me. Especially after reading the instructions on how to put the thing on.
Pull a little scrotal skin through the ring, then push one testicle through. Take a little more skin and push the other testicle through the ring. Now bend the penis downwards and pull it through the ring
OW. and then you can lock it with a padlock, seriously it comes with one.
Clearly this is one confused device but with a change in marketing this could be the new accessory to the rich and famous. Why? You can wear it everyday and at sporting events. like:
Golf
Football
Basketball
Market as: Lockable Dick Cozy
Should be: Celebrity Damage Control Device
Dildo Gas Mask
As a sex toy I try not to think of the applications but seriously if you had one these in the movie 28 Days Later you’d be set! Think about it, the zombies can’t infect you with their crazy zombies rabies and you can whack them away from you with your giant dildo of justice. So when Z-day comes- and it is coming- I’m stocking up on one of these guys.
Market as: Dildo Gas Mask
Should be: Zombie Kill Mask.
EWWW! DO NOT WANT! DO NOT WANT!