Beyoncé Cums Fancy, as Expected.

Folks are clutching their pearls after married adult Beyoncé allegedly spent over $6,000 USD on Boxing Day at sex shop Babeland New York.  Let me tell you, its REALLY easy to drop term bill or two there. Personally I love Babeland, they’re the only brick and mortar sex shop I recommend in my area, I also know that while welcoming to beginners it’s a candy shop for those of us with genitals that require nothing but the best.

As I wrote before every industry has its luxury items, sex toys are no different. If you’re Beyoncé are you going to settle for Kia Sport of vibrators or an Ashton Martin?  Exactly. How far could six grand take you? Well the express lane, I’m talking maybe 10 items or less. Here’s 3 dream baskets for Mrs and Mr. Carter Knowles.

Basket 1 – The double stimulation bundle

Lelo Yva in Silver – this small ultra powerful, ultra quiet clitoral stimulator is perfect for nights when you know you ain’t making to the club (and it took you 45 mins to get all dressed up). Its small and discrete you can use it without even disturbing your driver partitions be damned! $2,890.00 USD

 

Jimmyjane Eternity in Platinum – This little wand has a replaceable motor so you can get that fresh out the box feeling for the lifetime of the toy. Oh and its made of platinum, with 28 little diamonds.  $3,250.00 USD

 

Grand tally: $6,140.00 USD plus tax 

Bonus the Eternity is waterproof so you know …

Basket 2 – Golden Escapes

Lelo Olga in Gold– This g-spot stimulator is plated in 18K gold, it doesn’t vibrate but I’m thinking Beyoncé has the goods to provide her own.  The great thing about this is that it’s a double dipper, one end for the g-spot and the other for smooth insertion. It will remind her of I AM… SASHA FIERCE back when she needed another persona to express her sexuality. $3490.00 USD

 

14K Gold Cock Ring– She told him if you like you better put a ring on it and after listening to Partition I’m guessing Jay Z is holding it down. Still its gotta be hard keeping up with King Bey, to keep those waterfalls going sometimes your rocket needs a little help. added bonus it was designed by a French person Sylvie Monthule. Beyoncé digs French stuff.  $129.00 USD

 

Jimmyjane Little Gold– This is a smaller version of the Eternity in 24K gold. Still whisper quiet and now even easier to concealed.  You can put it in that purse you can’t fit your hand in Beyoncé! $325.00  USD

 

 

Incoqnito Razor– When you need a discrete spiny wheel dick torture bracelet and you are a pop music goddess you want it in rose gold. You might be wondering why I going straight to dick torture the lazy penis pun in the name indicates this was made to graze them. $89.00USD

 

 

Babeland Giftcard– For Kelly Rowland, she just got engage but no one cares because Beyoncé released the fastest selling album of the year. $Less Than She Spent On Herself.

Grand tally: $6,000.00USD plus tax 

BASKET 3 – I like to Imagine Beyoncé puts things in Jay-z’s butt

Lelo Earl in Gold– Another 18k gold Lelo but this is a prostate stimulator and it comes with CUFFLINKS! There are two things I’ve decided are facts about Beyoncé: she puts things in butts and she will upgrade your suit accessories. The latter is supported by her music the former supported by the mental spank banks of millions of people. With the Earl she can kill two birds with one prostate massager and let Mr. Carter get his P-spot cudgelled like a gentleman. $2590.00 USD

Jimmyjane Little Steel Tonight Eternity – I like to think that Jay-Z would want his miss to tease his anus in style.  This version of the quiet vibe has 28 black diamonds and original lyrics from a member of the Eurhythmics. Sweet Dreams indeed! $2000.00 USD

 

 

Jimmyjane Little Platinum– If its worth having with black diamonds might as well have a platinum white diamond version for the office or private jet. $445.00USD 

 

 

 

Crave Duet Lux Vibe in Gold 16GB– Oh you read right, this toy is also a fully functional usb drive. So not only do you have a dual motor mini vibe that can be used to tweak nipples or any sensitive places on your millionaire spouse , when your done teasing you can download all your songs and videos  to it while you recharge. $349.00USD

 

Njoy Eleven – It’s the most versatile wand on the market , made of surgical steel its great for temperature play,  anal, vaginal, and g-spot. Its multi-talented, curvaceous and I wouldn’t pay money to see it act in a feature film. It’s the Beyoncé of stainless steel dildos. $300.00USD

 

Grand tally: $5,684.00USD plus tax 

That was fun, now if you want to hear Feminista Jones and I ponder aloud about Beyoncé, Blow Jobs and sex positive black feminism listen to the final TWIB AFTER DARK of 2013! (also my birthday show)