In honor of my favorite time of year, and let’s face it every fatty’s favorite time of year,
I found two porns that fit the mood. Now I’m usually not all that big on porn with chicks in it; every vagina looks like the sloppy blind cousin of the brain bug from Starship Troopers to me. Just to have full disclosure I fast forwarded through the majority of genitals.
The first movie I watched was Creature Feature hosted by Sunny Lane. This movie features Andy San Dimas, Jennifer White, Tara Lynn Foxx , Lizz Tayler and Gracie Glam. The movie is cut into vignette that “retell” classic creature horror film stories. Well not really. The first couple of scenes reminded me of that Norm McDonald movie Dirty Work where they show the gay porn version of Men In Black.
“There’s an alien” says one voice
“Better have sex with it” says another.
That’s pretty much how the majority of these scenes go. Pretty scantily clad woman comes across a monster and have sex with it. I totally get the Dracula story , most middle-aged American women are diddling themselves to vamps right now, but the Mummy? I couldn’t help but gag a bit on the concept of mummified peen going inside someone’s mouth. The main problem I had with this movie is that no one reacted like they were having sex with a dead thing, or at the very least they were WAY too happy to be banging a dead thing. The Frankenstein monster was made out of random corpses even if it’s in the shape of a sexy lady that lump of dead flesh should be unfuckable.
The scenes that really shine on this DVD are the “The Wolfman” featuring Tommy Gun and Lizz Tayer and “Night of the Fucking Dead” with Tom Byron and Andy San Dimas. These were clearly the most thought out and had the most chemistry between the actors. “Night of the Fucking Dead” has Tom Byron as a friendly shoe fetish having zombie and you can really tell that Byron was giving it all and having fun. The make up for the Wolfman was also pretty impressive
The DVD features a making of feature that’s sort of neat because it shows you how they did some of the make up effects. The only thing that really bothered me was the weird boom work going on whenever Sunny Lane would make an introduction to the scene. She was practically inaudible, which is a shame because I think under the right circumstances she can have quite a presence on screen.
Next up is the Human Sexipede which I was dying to review even though I’ve never reviewed a porn before. This is a spoof of the Human Centipede which is the perfect gross out bad horror movie to watch with friends and a bottle of wine. It is the most vile offensive and visceral horror movie I’ve ever seen. So when I heard someone was going to make a version people were supposed to masturbate to I HAD to see it! Not that I wanted to masturbate to people pooping in each other’s mouth I just wanted to how in the heck can they make a movie that is the opposite of sexy into wank material.
Penned by Lee Roy Myers the parody departs heavily from the source material, which for a porno is kinda a blessing. The DVD covers pulls our collective chain dubbing the release the most controversial porn released ever, what you’ll find here is pretty standard porn. I was kind of expecting a lot of double penetration but thankfully anal wasn’t on the menu for this movie. I found that surprising as the source material has spawned my ass to mouth jokes that any porno I’ve ever seen.
I have to say that Tom Byron as the Doctor really stole the show for me, he was so dead on in his delivery that I wish the rest of the cast could keep up with him. I really enjoyed the scene between him and Amber Rayne (until the uncomfortable crotch close up, genitals… ew). Rayne gave an unexpectedly layered performance as the Doctor’s muse.
The rest of the cast while all a bucket of attractiveness and muscles really didn’t seem as in tune with their characters and Byron and Rayne, though Keni Styles was quite affable and likeable. I’m happy they didn’t try to mimic the Human Centipede and have his character speak no English and also (spoiler) poop in someone’s mouth. While the poop in the mouth scene was really the highlight of the source material I can see how it would wither boners.
All in all I was entertained by the Human Sexipede, sure there’s no German doctors masturbating to dogs, but I think I might like it better that way. I would have liked to see some DVD extras this is one of the few times I think I would have sat through the DVD commentary of a porno sadly there were none to be found.
So if you ever want to get into the Halloween sprit long after you’ve eaten the last of the candy corn check out these titles from Tom Byron and get your spooky kinky on.